I don't really mention a lot about work. Hahaha-- normally I just bitch and complain to everyone around me about what I think about work. I'm very interested in the work environment, workings of its system and... understanding the dynamics between the relationships of everything and everyone at work.


A few posts back, I mentioned that I was recently cash-trained to be able to work the register at work, right? Well, if you didn't know-- this actually has a huge background implication about my status around the workplace. (At least, in my head it does). But recently I was just talking to one of the cashiers, and she was telling me about how she's been accepted into non-sale work center (meaning that she'll be off the sales-floor, only doing stock or visuals). And obviously they'll need someone to replace her as a cashier at work! (She works about 30-40 hours a week), and OH MY GOSH, I have almost the same availability as her! Muahaha! Hopefully, this means that I'll be moving over to the cashier job sector soon-- no more front-of-store greeting! Even though being a cashier in essence seems easier, I guess each part of work has its own stress and issues. Hmmmm, I was asking around-- and we haven't hired new cashiers in a while.. and only 2 of us support people are cash-trained. I wonder how it'll pan out.


On the other side of my work ramblings... why do I always seem to attract oddly-confident-guys that like to toy around with me?! There's this sales associate at work-- and we work together a lot. Normally, me, him and the cashier (the one who's switching to non-sale) opens the store Monday-Friday-- so we spend a lot of time together. Well, LONG-STORY-SHORT he likes to playflirt (OR IS IT?) with me and touches me sooo inappropriately at work! Like today, I was walking into the petites section of our store, and he was just coming from there. So instead he blocks off the path with his arms, strikes this kind of... odd combination of "where are you going? stop and come here to me" pose. It was... HAH so sexual. His body language was just... INTENSE. I was telling the cashier this-- her response: "That sounds so hot!". Uhhh.. haha!

Sometimes work can be such a bitch, but I've really found a nice place to thrive and a lot of nice people that I'm getting to know. A lot of lessons learned... but I'll delve into that some other time.

There was one thing growing up that I never liked-- and it was family gatherings... especially big ones. It's not what you think-- it's not parents getting together and talking about which child has the best accomplishments, but instead pointing out what kind of bad habits and things they have. I guess that doesn't really make sense, but what I mean is usually when there's a family dinner of some kind-- the childrens' faults and problems are usually brought onto the table. Due to this, I've always dreaaaddded family dinners. Like OH GOD, I KNOW I HAVE PROBLEMS, BUT NOW THE WHOLE FAMILY KNOWS? Hahaha. Things that normally are brought up (for me) are:

- my 'lifestyle' (LOL not being gay. Haha but going out too much)
- my finances (the lack there-of)
- my education (and how slow it's going)
- my life goals (how there aren't really any...)

Oh MAN, how could I not dread this stuff... so a few days ago when my dad (LOL YES, MY DAD.. the quiet one) called me all of a sudden... I was a little.... alarmed. OBVIOUSLY I picked up-- he asked me if I was free the next couple of days, and in reality I wasn't. BUT LUCKILY I had monday off. He wanted me to go home for thanksgiving dinner, I guess. BUT KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON... It was a TRAP. A trap for me to go back home and have them lecture me about the above points.

Hmm long story short. I was wrong. Hmmmmmm... I wonder what's changed in their mindset? I wonder how come they didn't give me the shakedown like they normally would. Instead it was just a few sentences about how I have no money... and that I'll be in school for a while. Partially I think it's that they've come to terms with both ideas-- that I have no savings, and that I won't be finishing school soon. HmMMMm.

Well, it could be that... well they realize that in-reality I don't really go home a lot, or talk to them a lot because everytime we talk.. it's just... such a drag. Maybe they're turning a new leaf. Hmm, they asked me to go home for dinner a lot more-- but, I can't help but be skeptical. Like, I know they SAY they miss me. I know they want me to move back home... but HOW MUCH OF IT IS TRUE? In all honesty, unless they were crying day and night about how I'm not home and sobbing about how much they miss my light and personalty at home-- I won't move back home. To me, they're happier without me there. I mean, they go on vacations, they seem more in love, they have their own lives now. If I went back home, EVERYONE loses-- right? Hahaha.

At least, that's how I see it.

It's Sunday night, and I'm sitting in my room-- alone, listening to old Westlife. It's strange because I have so many fragmented feelings associated with the songs that Westlife sing. On the one hand it reminds me of folding at Banana Republic, because there's this 1 cashier that pops in her Westlife CD while we folddown the whole store-- and the other side of it is just fragmented memories of karaoke. I guess it's not JUST the karaoke, but the feelings that I felt while I was listening to these songs.

What's been happening with me recently?

Well, one huge thing is that I finally have my room back. I'm no longer 16-- sharing a room was my brother who's overstayed his welcome. Tonight is the first night I have the peace of knowing no one will walk into my room, my house-- uninvited. Hahahaha, do I sound bitter? (He's given the keys back already! Mwahaha). Now all I need to do is clean up the mess he left behind, and get my room back up to standards to have people, FRIENDs over! And no longer will I come home to messes, stuffy rooms, socks missing, jackets missing and.. haha, sex that doesn't involve me.

And in that sense, yes! I'm getting my life back together. The life I used to live. My comfortable lifestyle. But of course, things are never easy. Every time I find a piece of the puzzle that is called 'life', another seems to slip away--

"...every now and then I get a little lonely [...] every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears [...] every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the [days] have gone by [...] every now and then I fall apart... Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart..."

Like everyone, I have good days and I have bad days. More good than bad, really. (Trust me, I'm not lying.) And sometimes, on the good days-- I'll slip up for a minute or two-- but on the whole, I'm mostly good. On some days, I feel like I'm so comfortable in my own skin-- and then some days I feel like I've totally lost my mind. And then, there are those bittersweet days where I ask myself... "What am I doing...?". Those are the worst.

The way that I've been dealing with these feelings-- is in more of a survival mode. I've been compartmentalizing moments-- events-- feelings-- putting them on a shelf. They're still there, I guess... but I just don't have the time to drown in them. Like a dam that's overflowing, I'm only putting on temporary patches to keep it from spilling over. I don't have the time... LIFE doesn't give me enough time to hash out everything I want.

I just need another patch for today.


It's good that I have people I can turn to, to get out most of these feelings. I'm really glad to have those who have an open ear, open heart-- and a limitless amount of patience. Because, I too get lost in thinking that the world revolves around me. Hahaha. But it doesn't, sadly.

Hahah, silly story... Well, at least I find it a little silly right now.

So last night I kept waking up because I was having these sex dreams. Just when I was about to have an orgasm, I'd wake up! And.. it lead to me not having a good night's sleep-- and being a tiny bit late for work. As I was rushing to work, I was scarfing down my lunch on the skytrain. When I got off at my station, I started to mindlessly speedwalk towards the mall and stuffed my garbage into a trash can type thing. And as I pushed the trash through, my finger got caught on the hinge of the thing... and obviously my reaction is to flinch and snap my hand away.

Okay, no biggie.

After a minute or two, the throbbing kicked in. Okay, no biggie. ... then it started to HURT LIKE A BITCH. I look at my finger and half the nail was cut off! WHAT THE HELL?! Was the hinge of that trash thing really that strong? Or did my hand flick really pull out that forcefully?! ANYWAYS, I was bleeding and bleeding and throbbing. My thought was to hold it out... and wait till I got to work which was... another.. i dunno 3 minutes away.  Throbbing. Tough it out. Throbbing. Speedwalking. How would I steam my clothes?! Throbbing... Damn skytrain! Throbbing... Bleeding... Oh shit, don't look at it.

I get to the door-- and the manager lets me in. "Do we have a first aid kit?!?" I asked. She looks at my finger... "Oh god!". 2 managers rush me into the washroom and try to get me to put it under water, and then with alcohol to try and clean it. SHIT IT STUNG. They were telling me to breathe, and blah blah. Oh my god, this was the first time I've experienced something like this, and it was kind of overwhelming... and I totally felt light headed, and was about to pass out-- it was getting darker... my vision was... **(^*&^%%^$#%$^@$#  and then they got me in a chair and to put my head between my legs.. and i felt totally better. Phew!

In hindsight, it wasn't a huge deal-- but felt like one. And for the rest of the day I was throbbing, and.. had a good conversation piece to chat about with the customers. Anyways, what did this story make me realize...?

HAHAHA, other than the fact that I can be a big baby?

The past few weeks I've been feeling really comfortable in my own skin-- but today totally made me feel like I needed someone there to baby me, and tell me everything would be all-right.

And maybe... hehheh...

It's been a LONG time since I've written something about jeans. Yes, I still love jeans! No, I haven't bought a new pair in a very VERY long time. But the other day, I went against my better judgment and tried on a pair. Hahaha, I'm an alcoholic that just took his first metaphorical shot of tequila. GwwaaAAhhH! I fell in love with them. I didn't want to take them off-- they felt so perfect, like a second skin... nice, dark, sexy and slim........ Haha.

It was the Wiley Wash Falcon jean from GUESS (link).

 

Haha, I guess on a deeper level-- it says a lot about me. How much patience do I have...? I don't know how to phrase the question I guess... It's how bad do I want to fulfill my longterm goals VS having something RIGHT NOW that will satisfy me for WHO KNOWS HOW LONG? So the thing is... I'm trying to save up for a trip to ASIA (who knows where for now... Taiwan? Hong Kong?) and my target is somewhere around the 4500s, 5000s if I can make it. But the thing is, I need to start SOMEWHERE right? So... do I steep into my savings (which are barely there) and spend $150+ on these... I-need-to-cry-cuz-I-Love-them-so-much jeans? Or... have the $150 added into my savings?

The 'right' thing to do... would be to obviously... wait. Haha, I totally feel like a junky in withdrawal, because I've been eye-ing jeans all over the place now (especially at Banana Republic) cuz I can get half off those jeans (which comes to around $50-60). Would a quick fix satisfy my craving? Or should I go cold turkey all together?

I like to think I have a strong sense of... I dunno-- motivation. Hmmm, what an internal conflict.

It seems like the only times I really have the energy to write something down end up being the nights when I can't sleep. Tossing and turning in my bed, thoughts just start to creep up on me. The song on my laptop drones on repeat, and my mood gets less stable-- little by little.


In a blink of an eye, it's already nearing the end of summer. The Celebration of Light came and went-- I only managed to catch one of the performances. PRIDE came and went-- I managed to party it up some. But thinking back to evaluate this summer, there have been a lot of changes. Some of the things that made me most content in life have changed for the worse. The life I thought I knew has been thrown off track again. I don't know why, but I seem to only write about problems... because when things go smoothly, there's really nothing to write about. How come it's always pain and hardship that's so tangible?

"All of moments that already passed. Try to go back and make them last. All the of the things we want eachother to feel... we never will be... that wonderful."

On the boring side, I'm working 50 hours this week-- between 2 jobs. I've been working like a bull! (Hahah, not really. The jobs are pretty slack, but what job isn't draining?) Haha, hopefully in the end I manage to save SOME money. I'm planning my escape.

Promise to myself-- write something happy tomorrow. I know I can find it in me.

I've never been an over achiever.
I remember once I was so frustrated with myself that I asked my mom, "How do you see me in the future?". I wanted to ask because I wanted to know what her expectations of me were. She pays for my school, and basically raised me. She's never put a lot of pressure on me, and I've always just been about average. So the question was, what did she really expect from me?

For most people, post secondary is a place where people find themselves-- realize their dreams.
It's been so long, and yet I haven't realized anything yet.

Not a lot of people really know what I really want in life, and that's because it would sound so pathetic to them if I told them. Is what I want enough though?

I look around at my peers, and I feel like everyone's reaching above and beyond to try ang grasp their tiny fingers around a piece of a star in the sky-- but I'm still lagging behind, just trying to make it to be on par with their motivation, their intensity, their sense of self and drive. But can I really compare myself to them when what we want in life is so different? It's just that, everyone else is reaching for something that's... so similar, but I'm reaching for something that's so different.

Am I really reaching? Or am I just settling in the safe zone.

A lot of people aren't happy being second, but I don't even know if I want to be first.

I just don't know how to voice myself at the moment.